James Joyce, president of General Smelectric’s Aviation unit, released the following statement: “General Smelectric is proud to supply the engines for the U.S. government’s F-35 joint strike fighter planes.  Under the leadership of pilot Steven Seagal, we are certain to accomplish the “nation building” that our country is proudly undertaking in Iraq and Afghanistan.  And honestly, even bombing victims will appreciate the state-of-the-art technology that comes with a General Smelectric product: you’ll never hear a softer engine!”

The Vscan, which resembles a “flip phone crossed with an iPod,” will be available sometime next year.  In response to the new General Smelectric device, Apple CEO Steve Jobs dismissed its novelty, telling reporters, “We have an app for that.”

“We’re staying disciplined in our investment approach,” Immelting said.  “By focusing our expertise on government lobbying, windmill manufacturing, and hoping more old people get sick, we’re sure to come out of this recession strong.”  CFO Keith Caslove cited high expectations for the post-recession future: ” Our internal estimates suggest that 2014 will be a boom year for us.”

Immelting and Caslove also discussed the rumors surrounding its beleaguered media unit, NBZ Universal.  While they offered no specifics as to General Smelectric’s plan, many analysts were tipped off when Immelting only referred to NBZ in the past tense.  “It has been a solid performer,” Immelting said, choking back tears.  “I really enjoyed Lipstick Jungle.“

Caslove added that while NBZ has been a core piece of General Smelectric in the past, “Realistically, it’s always been on the chopping block.  Kind of like Robin in Top Chef.”  NBZ revenue was down 20% versus last year.

In a memo sent out to NBZ employees, Jeff Smucker wrote:

I know there are a lot of rumors going around right now.  You’re probably confused.  You may be scared.  But, I want to assure you, that Kristin did not hook up with Justin Bobby.  I’ve confirmed it with multiple sources, and it appears that they just went out for a few drinks.  There may have been some flirtatious touching, but it was nothing serious. 

Thanks for all that you do.

–Jeff

Now, instead of paying one low rate, we have three wonderful options.  All of them instill the new General Smelectric initiative of Sicklymagination.  Essentially, if you anticipate getting sick, you will pay more!  If you anticipate being healthy, you will pay less!*

And either way, if you DO become ill, you will get less coverage!  It’s a win-win for everyone, unless you are a General Smelectric Employee.

*Until you get sick, and then you pay more.

Options

#1 – Highest cost, lowest risk.  You may have less disposable income to spend on keeping your family healthy… But this is what a second mortgage is for!

#2 – Medium cost, medium risk. This is Goldilocks’ choice.  That is, if Goldilocks were forced to pay $60/month for her measly bowl of porridge.

#3 – Lowest cost, highest risk. Basically, don’t get sick, and you’ll be fine.  Or else, you may think about harvesting your organs for your Health Savings Account.

Company officials refuted the notion that “stress eating due to work strains” led to the rise in employee obesity.  However, General Smelectric’s health insurance costs have spiked since the release of Dunkin’ Donuts’ new buttermilk biscuits last week.

But with NBZ Universal’s hit show “The Biggest Loser” set to premiere on Tuesday, expect the company to shed its overweight status soon.  We anticipate lower insurance premiums and carrot sticks in the near future.

Profits in the second quarter were down almost 50% versus the prior year.  The  quarter reflected one of the worst financial performances in General Smelectric history.

“It’s like those California wildfires,” Couscous went on.  “Half the forest already burned down, so how much worse can it get?”

“There’s really nothing left to burn.  Although believe us, we’re looking.”

General Smelectric is no longer providing earnings guidance on a quarterly basis, opting to give a “framework” instead.  When asked what the framework would be for the third quarter, Couscous handed the reporter a paper fortune teller.

Over a quarter of all General Smelectric employees have included the following disclaimer to their email: “Kindly consider the environment before printing this message.”  However, some employees may be taking it too far; a few variations on this disclaimer have been reported to HR, including “Why the [redacted] would you print this e-mail, you piece of [redacted]?”

These types of messages are generating a backlash against “treemagination.”

“I’m going to print out every email from now on, no matter how unimportant it is,” said one employee who works in corporate accounting.  “It’s not that I don’t care about the environment; I just don’t like people telling me what to do.”

“Plus,” he added, “It gets cold it my office, and it’s nice to feel the warmth of freshly-printed paper against my skin.”

General Smelectric estimates that it has saved 6 trees since the inception of “treemagination” in 2005.

Some street analysts believe that Gen Smelectric is trying to throw everyone off course by intentionally leaking the deal.  “I don’t think it’s security at all,” one employee whispered in a dark alleyway last night.  “It’s NBZ Universal.  It has, and always will be on the chopping block.”

“It’s definitely NBZ,” said one Wall Street analyst.  “Jeff Immelting doesn’t even watch their shows anymore.  The only program he watches is ‘Daisy of Love’ on VH1.  NBZ is definitely going to be sold.”

NBZ Universal is currently the fourth-ranked broadcast network.  It is the home of several “intellectual” comedies, like 30 Rock and The Office.  However, NBZ has suffered from low ratings due to the dwindling number of intelligent people in the U.S.  “And other than those two shows,” one analyst remarked, “Their network programming really [stinks].”

When asked to comment, NBZ President Jeff Smucker seemed surprised to hear the rumors.  “Would it help if we aired more ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’?” he asked.

Bloomberg News, which first reported the potential sale, said the three anonymous sources were “extremely nervous” about leaking the story.

“Are these phones clean?” one source asked, when contacted by Bloomberg. “Have these phones been tested for bugs?”

The sources insisted that Bloomberg reporters perform a sweep for hidden cameras in the office. When the reporters protested, the sources responded: “You don’t know what we know.”

General Smelectric’s security unit manufactures and sells surveillance equipment and alarms. It is headquartered in Bradenton, FL.